Kazuhiro-Sama

Not sure if I did this already, but go to jeepersjeeves from now on! I'm not gonna use this account anymore. It's empty, and I'm not sure when I'm gonna start updating it, but I'll be using it from now on! For the next couple of days, I'm gonna try to plow through this account and empty/save/delete stuff. I'm also gonna record peoples' usernames so that I don't forget and can re-follow and re-favorite and stuff. Gimme a week. Hopefully it only takes me a week. I'm in the middle of final projects and stuff ohmygosh. Okay, no promises. 

//returns to deviantART
//backs away slowly

Guys I'm getting old.

So, school has been happening, and I have no time to use DeviantART like I used to. Even now, I'm losing a lot of time deliberating over how to write this journal. :I
Anyway, when I came back, it was completely jarring. I had spent so much time away from here and experienced so much change apart from this account, that my mindset and the way that I operate has sort of clashed with how things used to be.

I don't know if I can find myself using this website anymore. On one hand, there are so many ways in which you can grow as an artist here, and there seems to be a great community of artists to grow with, share your aspirations with, and... I dunno talk about career stuff with, but I don't see myself actually doing that, because I'm easily distractable and will probably just spend hours looking at other people's work instead.

It's really tempting to come back and struggle again with being active, but I've seen time and time again how that's failed. Even now, I'm tempted to start over with jeepersjeeves, but it might end up being like this account in the end, and I really don't want that. When I think about it now, like, is being active here even such an important thing?

I'm torn between cleaning out this account and getting rid of it altogether. I'll still have jeepersjeeves, a quiet website with nothing going on, but maybe I should look elsewhere, like conceptart or behance -- websites that strip down all of the fun bells and whistles and keep it to discussing jobs and getting good at art and stuff. I need to continue to spend my time outside, because goodness knows that once I'm here, I get sucked in.

I feel like I still haven't been able to say all that I've wanted to say, nor have I came to a final decision, but I've already spent like two hours trying to type this up. I did not need to spend so much time on this oh my goodness. ;;OTL

I'll sleep on it. :y

I'm taking a break. I don't really know what that exactly entails, but I'm going to take one.
And then I'll come back, and continue the struggle of becoming more productive.

Earlier, I concluded that I needed to enjoy drawing more. My process of drawing has been mostly filled with anxiety because of my ridiculous expectations, and that's not cool. If there's one thing that I've learned from art major, it's the importance of the essence and form of the drawing -- the soul, you know? There's sort of a soul in my characters, even though they're not physically real. I sort of owe it to them to draw them, even if I'm not satisfied with my skill. I need to bring the joy back into drawing, and to do away with these anxieties that pretty much encompass every area of my life.

I'm probably not going to do RP groups anymore, because I just am not good at being an active member. Random ones with individuals are nice and low key. I like coming up with plots with other people. Maybe I just need a shift in setting. Like, right now I would really like to develop the relationship between Pops and Song, and to characterize his family, and to make Liang canon. I want to draw Pops and Song being tourists and holding hands I HOPE YOU'RE READING THIS MOOZARO
I also like the friendship between Viper and William. It's really cute and I like it. ;u;

So, uh... I guess this means that I'm going to quit everything. But, if it's that big of a deal, I can always just re-join the groups that are still open. I've gotta learn how to say no. To myself.

Also, I'm going to try to pay for my last year of college in full, hopefully through scholarships, part time jobs, and commissions. There's also a master class in November that's nearly $500, so I'm hoping to use that as motivation to do a trial run on commissions. During this break, I'm going to sit down and establish this.

I've been working on a fifteen minute animated short with some colleagues (I guess you can't really call them classmates at this point?), so this week, I'm going to document my progress and work flow to see how much I can get done within that time period. If I'm allowed to do so, maybe I'll upload some work. I'm the character artist, so I just have to draw each character from different angles and prep them for rigging.

Maybe, once more, I should list everything that I want to do -- all of the stories that I want to develop, all of the skills that I want to learn, and the miscellaneous concepts and ideas for fits and giggles. I'll put it up on a wall and pick one. ONE THING.

So, I'm taking a break. This whole week, I'll be working on animation stuff, but I'm also going to try to legitimately get this commissioning thing off the ground, and also make that list of projects and aspirations. Three things. These things.
And, you know, school, scholarships, attempting to socialize... that stuff.

Hi! So, I've been trying to type something coherent for the longest time and it's not working.
I'm really tired and frustrated and dissatisfied, mostly with my lack of productivity, especially in the midst of so many responsibilities and aspirations. My expectations are still really high, and I have yet to overcome them, or to take those leaps of faith, or to come to terms with the fact that my expectations won't always be met.

Instead of failing a hundred times until I finally get that light bulb to shine, I'm sitting here twiddling my thumbs, too afraid to make the first move, hoping that the first attempt with be enough as I write down lists and equations and diagrams in preparation.

I'm kind of... crushing under the weight of my own pressure here, and I'm not sure how to fix this.

I thought that maybe leaving for a while, dropping everything, and then returning to one project -- just focusing on one thing at a time until I finish.
I also thought about RPs and RP groups -- the perks and motivation -- but maybe it's just not for me.
Lately I've been wishing to be that kind of person who could just draw their characters when they're bored. My professor mentioned his enjoyment of the process of drawing. I'm kind of anxious and restless and dissatisfied most of the time when I draw. It's not often that I'm calm when I draw. That bothers me a lot. When did I get like this? Was I always like this? It scares me to think that I've lost joy in drawing, or that I never had it to begin with. I love ideas for sure. I love developing characters and ideas and building worlds, and visuals and sound are a fun way to bring everything together. I want to do so much, though. I want to try everything, but all of this wanting ends up pulling me in so many directions that I ultimately end up going nowhere.

So, I resolve to be more loving. I know that sounds weird, but, uh...
Hm...
I want to put more love into my work. It's not all about me and my own expectations. I have characters whom haven't seen the light of day yet, nor met people who are like them too. Even if they end up a crappy doodle, it's... sort of nice. Even if there's some misstep here or there, it's okay, because at least they're here. They're finally manifest and there for other people to see.

Back at school
massive nervousness so many people oh my gosh
I'm like... surrounded by so many people
but the whole campus is really chill
it's always been chill
people are nice here
and the people that I've gotten to know for the past couple of years are here too.

I'm slowly trying to work on things and be more organized.
I'm gonna do rps FOR SURE in google docs, because I think I'll only have time to do them in one setting -- and it'd be more productive.
I'm just not sure when I'll start doing that again, since there's already a lot to do here.
I guess I'll just have to be on the look out for those windows of time when I'm not doing anything? oh my gosh that already sounds hard AHAH
But yeah I've got like fifteen different calendars for various things.
Trying to be responsible and reliable for people. Meet deadlines and spit out work.
Also trying to pay for college. I'm just so slow at everything and there never seems to be enough time to do stuff.
Also wanting to really make an effort at loving my self, especially so that I can properly love other people.
Because it's hard when you find yourself to be little in worth.


All in all, I'm really happy and feel fortunate. I'm not alone in this, and hope is always present. I'm in a very good environment that forces me to do work and to socialize with other people, so I'm excited about all that can be done this year.

Good luck also to everyone at school, or starting school. You can do it! You've gotten this far already.